The freeway cops were waving their arms and belting out oaths.
Their voices were as raw as hamburger. Their faces were beet red. They were driving more dangerously than me!! Their sirens were blaring and their lights were whirling.
I think they might have been mad at me.
I was on a huge exit that wound round and round. There were so many "exit only" signs, I was continually having to exit, only to find myself winding around again.
This was taking a very long time.
I honestly didn't know what to do.
The freeways were packed with cars and trucks, weaving in and out, cutting me off, and hogging the road. It seemed that they were always giving me obscene hand gestures and cursing me.
Everyone and everything was going so fast.
The cops kept waving their arms and flashing their lights in my eyes!!
"Pull over!" They yelled. "We're warning you!"
BUT THERE WAS NO WAY TO PULL OVER!!!!!
Finally, after nearly 10 minutes of this, I was able to pull into a Safeway's parking lot.
The veteran training cop yanked me out of our rental cat and slammed me against the door again and again. The trainee helped Fred get out. Fred and I were together, but he fell asleep, very drunk.
The trainee proceeded to rattle off numerous moving-traffic violations. The trainee was trying to impress the veteran, but the kid was about to get throttled!
He annoyed the crud out of the veteran!!!! His choice of words. His mannerisms. His nasal voice!!!
The trainer knew that the trainee wasn't doing anything wrong. It's just that the kid put on a horse-face whenever he tried to look official. It was always that way with new trainees.
"Why didn't you pull over, when we turned our lights on?" The veteran asked.
"I couldn't find a place to pull over." I said, hoping that God would help me out of this one.
"That's no excuse!" The training officer said. "You can always pull over!!"
Then, the veteran changed the subject.
"You're DRUNK!!" The veteran yelled. "How much did you drink tonight?"
"I've never had a drink in my life," I replied honestly.
The cops mocked me while I tried in vain to pass the field sobriety test!!
"Then you're totally WASTED on drugs!"
"I promise you that I have never tried drugs." I said.
The cops were getting madder by the minute. They felt that they were being lied to.
The trainee thoroughly searched us, our car, trunk, and glove box. Then he checked to see if we had anything against us on file.
"How much did you drink tonight?" The trainee asked Fred.
"A lot." Fred freely admitted, shamelessly. He was slurring his speech and had blurry eyes. "They were giving out free margaritas at our company's pool party." Fred continued.
I explained that we were in Phoenix for a few days for a huge convention. That we were one of the prime, nuclear-contractors for the Department of Energy.
That I was the leader of a team of highly trained and experienced individuals, each of whom have their master's degree or Ph.Ds.
"That sounds pretty impressive. If it is true. We'll know in a few minutes. If it is, we'll let you go. If you're lying, you'll end up in jail, and owe a fortune in fines."
After about 20 minutes, the trainee trooper came over. He had thoroughly checked out my story and everything about me was just as I said it was. The two cops were convinced that I was squeaky clean.
"Well, Mr. Anderton," The veteran training cop said. "I'm sorry that you've had such a frustrating experience here in Phoenix. We apologize for keeping you so long."
Then the veteran looked over at Fred and laughed.
"But YOU get behind the wheel, Fred."
"YOU'RE SAFER DRUNK,
THAN HE IS SOBER!!!