THE SWEAR WORDS

"HELP!"

 I yelled with all my might.

 "Someone please help me!" I pled until my voice was raw.

I was 7 years old and very accident prone. And very adventurous.

I was like Tom Sawyer in so many ways.

My friend, Tim, who always followed me around, heard me and came running. He always annoyed the crud out of me, but this time I was glad he was there.

"Hey, George." Tim said. "What's wrong, you look funny down there?"

"You always look funny, you BLANKETY-BLANK idiot!!" I yelled.

"I'm sorry, Tim." I said. "It just hurts. I was trying to climb this tree to get up to that window."

"Why?" Tim asked.

"It doesn't matter why!!" I yelled. "JUST HELP ME!"

The tree had fallen at a 45% angle and was caught in the window of a warehouse. The warehouse was in an empty lot. I wanted to crawl into the window so that I could go exploring.

Since we just had a downpour, the tree was slippery and very dangerous to climb. I was barefoot.

Soon, I was about 7 feet off the ground. The tree really began SHAKING, because I was climbing it.

Then, BLASTED!!!  I slipped. I tried to hold on, but I couldn't do it!

Down I went!

I landed on a thin log that was laying on the ground. It had a very-long, rusty spike that pinned my foot to the log. After the spike passed through my foot, there was still 5 more inches of the spike sticking out the top of my foot.

The spike was thinner than a usual railroad spike. I guess it was a spike-shaped nail. But big!

"My heck!" Tim said. "Did you fall off that-there tree?"

"OBVIOUSLY!" I screamed at Tim. He was so stupid.

"And it hurts like heck!!!" I yelled.

"DO SOMETHING!" I screeched.

I was positioned like a pretzel, in a thick jungle, with logs and branches everywhere. I was trapped in a very-impossible angle. I couldn't get up! It was getting very hot and humid.

"What do you want me to do?" Tim asked, dumber than a can of worms.

"Get your ____ over here and get me off of this log!!" I yelled.

Tim tried and tried, with all his might, but he couldn't get me off that log.

"Go get my mom!" I shrieked. "And hurry!"

Mom examined the situation and then ran over to get my brother Stan.

"He's nailed to that log, Stanley." She said. "We can't pull him off, but I know you can do it."

Stan was eight years older than me. He hated the name, "Stanley." He liked "Stan" better.

Stan had to lean way over to even get to my foot.  Pull as he might, there was not enough leverage.

Mom ran back to the house and called the doctor. He was annoyed and cursed up a storm: "You folks are just going to have to do it yourselves, I'm too busy!"

"But we tried and it's getting extremely hot out there! Mom pled. "George is dripping with sweat, and his bloody foot is covered with flies!.

He has been nailed to that log, in a very uncomfortable position, for hours!" Mom yelled.

The doctor cursed and SWORE some oaths and said: "Fine! I'll be right there!"

He came and YANKED me free without fuss. Then Mom rushed me to the hospital. Blood was dripping all over the place!

The nurse told me to take off my clothes and put a hospital gown on.

As I started taking my clothes off, Mom about choked!!!

I wasn't wearing any underwear!!

Mom bawled to the nurse, like it was the end of the world:

"I'm so sorry, I'm SO embarrassed!!"

"Don't worry, ma'am" The nurse said. "In this job, I've seen EVERYTHING!"

Then the doc stitched me up, swearing the whole time.

You know, after all the pain and discomfort, it really was a PROFITABLE day. It was so cool that I learned a few more wonderful - - -


SWEAR WORDS!!!