Saturday, July 5, 2014


"EATING-CONTEST HOUR!" I announced loudly.

You see, I was on my mission in Texas, representing the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

We were at a mission-wide, Zone-Leader conference. There were 28 Zone Leaders. They reported to my companion and I, who were the Assistants to the Mission President. The Assistants were conducting this conference.

Finally, it was time for the big meal. I was so worked up! My Mission President heard that I had never lost an eating contest. I was a show-off when it came to eating! This was my chance!!

I had three thick slices of prime rib, two loaded baked potatoes, three large piles of salad smothered with ranch dressing. Now I was back for the rest of a cherry cheesecake. I loved the stuff!

Oh, I forgot to mention the snack-pack bags of Cheetos's, milk, and three cans of soda pop.

President Fowler was having a great time watching me, and shouting out cheers and comments about the contest and my performance. Soon, I was the only one still chowing down.

"Go Elder Go!!!" "Go Elder Go!" Everyone cheered.

I finally sat down, as the victor, and rested. I felt like I had died and gone to heaven!

For a while.

I had exceeded my limit and now my stomach was protesting. Like it or not, I would soon be hurling it all out.  How embarrassing! I was the champion!! Now I would be the laughing stock of the mission!

"What can I do?" I asked myself, desperately.

I had an idea. Maybe I could make it to the restroom without an incident.

But on the way there, several Elder's wanted to come up to me and talk. AP's are always popular and this one had just won an amazing contest!! They probably wanted to snap a few pictures.

To get past these guys, I had to be rude. I felt bad. I loved and appreciated these guys. I would have to make it up to them later. But right now, I said  "Coming through!"

"Blast it!!!!"  The guest bathroom was occupied and four guys were waiting in line. So, I quickly looked around for a big tree to hide behind. It had to be big enough and close enough to get to---quickly!

I picked the best one I could find and raced toward it.

Then I realized that I had a big problem. How could I keep from splashing vomit on my clothes?

So, I bent over as far and low as I could. Then out it came. And came. And came.

I inspected myself. "SUCCESS!!" I said to myself. My clothes were not soiled.

Lunch hour came to an end. I would have skipped the next session and took a nice nap, but I was in charge.

We assembled in Sister Fowler's very-large, beautiful family room. It had an off-white, shag carpet. We sat on the floor, elbow-to-elbow, with our backs against the walls.

The purpose of the session was to give the Elder's some much-needed R & R. The guys were having a great time watching highlights from past World Series games. Watching a professional ball game, surrounded by friends, was a rare treat indeed. Especially while on a Mission!

Sister Fowler went around the room offering ice-water. Then something caught her attention----a smell on the floor. She put her pitcher down and rushed to the area. She was determined to find the exact spot and clean up the mess. She was so embarrassed!

She looked for a little pile of poop or vomit.

She got on her hands and knees and began to sniff.

"Sniff-sniff."    "Sniff-sniff."   "Sniff-sniff!"    "Sniff-sniff."

After finding the approximate area, she said, accusingly:

"Trixie, you're NASTY!"

"You NAUHTY girl, Trixie!!" She said. "No doggie treats for you!"

But upon finding the exact area, she went "sniff-sniff," and knew the truth:

There was vomit all over the bottom of my suit-pants!

There was nothing on the carpet.

She knew for sure it was me, but she wanted to let me save face. She didn't look up at me or say anything. She just looked down at her little dog and said:


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