NASTY TRIXIE

"EATING-CONTEST HOUR!" I announced loudly.

You see, I was on my mission in Texas, representing the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

We were at a mission-wide, Zone-Leader conference. There were 28 Zone Leaders. They reported to my companion and I, who were the Assistants to the Mission President. The Assistants were conducting this conference.

Finally, it was time for the big meal. I was so worked up! My Mission President heard that I had never lost an eating contest. I was a show-off when it came to eating! This was my chance!!

I had three thick slices of prime rib, two loaded baked potatoes, three large piles of salad smothered with ranch dressing. Now I was back for the rest of a cherry cheesecake. I loved the stuff!

Oh, I forgot to mention the snack-pack bags of Cheetos's, milk, and three cans of soda pop.

President Fowler was having a great time watching me, and shouting out cheers and comments about the contest and my performance. Soon, I was the only one still chowing down.

"Go Elder Go!!!" "Go Elder Go!" Everyone cheered.

I finally sat down, as the victor, and rested. I felt like I had died and gone to heaven!

For a while.

I had exceeded my limit and now my stomach was protesting. Like it or not, I would soon be hurling it all out.  How embarrassing! I was the champion!! Now I would be the laughing stock of the mission!

"What can I do?" I asked myself, desperately.

I had an idea. Maybe I could make it to the restroom without an incident.

But on the way there, several Elder's wanted to come up to me and talk. AP's are always popular and this one had just won an amazing contest!! They probably wanted to snap a few pictures.

To get past these guys, I had to be rude. I felt bad. I loved and appreciated these guys. I would have to make it up to them later. But right now, I said  "Coming through!"

"Blast it!!!!"  The guest bathroom was occupied and four guys were waiting in line. So, I quickly looked around for a big tree to hide behind. It had to be big enough and close enough to get to---quickly!

I picked the best one I could find and raced toward it.

Then I realized that I had a big problem. How could I keep from splashing vomit on my clothes?

So, I bent over as far and low as I could. Then out it came. And came. And came.

I inspected myself. "SUCCESS!!" I said to myself. My clothes were not soiled.

Lunch hour came to an end. I would have skipped the next session and took a nice nap, but I was in charge.

We assembled in Sister Fowler's very-large, beautiful family room. It had an off-white, shag carpet. We sat on the floor, elbow-to-elbow, with our backs against the walls.

The purpose of the session was to give the Elder's some much-needed R & R. The guys were having a great time watching highlights from past World Series games. Watching a professional ball game, surrounded by friends, was a rare treat indeed. Especially while on a Mission!

Sister Fowler went around the room offering ice-water. Then something caught her attention----a smell on the floor. She put her pitcher down and rushed to the area. She was determined to find the exact spot and clean up the mess. She was so embarrassed!

She looked for a little pile of poop or vomit.

She got on her hands and knees and began to sniff.

"Sniff-sniff."    "Sniff-sniff."   "Sniff-sniff!"    "Sniff-sniff."

After finding the approximate area, she said, accusingly:

"Trixie, you're NASTY!"

"You NAUHTY girl, Trixie!!" She said. "No doggie treats for you!"

But upon finding the exact area, she went "sniff-sniff," and knew the truth:

There was vomit all over the bottom of my suit-pants!

There was nothing on the carpet.

She knew for sure it was me, but she wanted to let me save face. She didn't look up at me or say anything. She just looked down at her little dog and said:

"YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED, TRIXIE!"

SPLAT!!

Three Little Brothers

Wilmer, was almost five. Lynn (my dad) was seven, and Cloyde was nine.
,
Wilmer was a little rascal, a menace, and very witty. He was a real character and a cute little bugger. Everyone liked him and got a kick out of him. Even his big brothers looked up to him.

Lynn had a head-full of hair. It was bright red. The kids at school called him "carrot top." That did not help Lynn's confidence.

Cloyde, was your basic nerd.

"I'm bored. Let's climb the big tree!" Wilmer said.

The tree was a huge willow tree. It had a humungous branch that was sideways to the ground. The boys used it for their bench.

The boys got on the branch, and started talking away.

"I can't wait until I can go to school and play kiss-tag with the girls." Wilmer said.

Lynn and Cloyde were not interested in, or were frightened of, girls. The girls found them boring.

But the girls were crazy about Wilmer!

Wilmer would tell stories and brag to his brothers about how the girls flirted with him and chased him. They all wanted to kiss him.

In reality, these were only pretend girls. He wasn't old enough to go to public school.

But there were several little girls in the church's Primary program. They were drop-dead gorgeous now, but Wilmer was sure that they would grow up to look like their mothers.

Wilmer' brothers loved his stories.

All of the sudden Cloyde said:

"I gotta take a  _______."

"Me too." Lynn said.

"Me three!!" Wilmer predictably piped in. He always had to copy or out-do his brothers.

"Hey!" Wilmer exclaimed. "Why don't we have some fun?!"

"Let's take our clothes off, hang our bums over the branch, and take a dump!" He yelled.

"Whoever's pile is stacked the highest, wins!"

"NOW THAT'S GOING TOO FAR, WILMER!" Declared Cloyde.

"Oh, give him a break, Cloyde." Said Lynn. "Sounds kinda fun. I'm in!!"

"Well then." Cloyde said. "I'll guess I'll play too."

Each of the boys stripped naked.

Cloyde and Lynn went ahead and poked their bottoms out.

"I'm going to win because my butt is hanging out more than either of yours!" Wilmer bragged.

They held onto the branch by their hands, knees, and thighs.

THEN THEY PROCEEDED TO DROP THEIR LOADS.

"Hang on, Wilmer!" They screamed. 

But it was too late.

Wilmer fell off the branch and right into his pile of  (YOU KNOW WHAT)!!

SPLAT!!


Wilmer kept trying to get up but he kept slipping and falling down again.  Each fall made him even messier.

Lynn and Cloyde were howling with laughter. Wilmer was bawling. This was anything but funny. He hurt all over and was humiliated.

He began to run to the house, crying: "Mommy, Mommy!!"

But his brothers were not about to let him get poop in the house.

They threw him into the canal and said:

"YOU CAN'T GET OUT UNTIL YOU WASH YOURSELF TOTALLY CLEAN!!!"

The older brothers about busted a gut with laughter, while Wilmer whined and bawled.

THE GIRL AT THE WINDOW

"Welcome to Burger King, you can order when ready."

Said the cute gal at the window. She had a great smile and she winked at my young friend, Blaine. This story took place in the mid eighties.

"May we each have a chili-dog with cheese?" I said.

"Sorry." She said, thrown off guard. "We don't serve chili-dogs with cheese."

"Oh darn. I was really in the mood for one." I said.

"Oh well, we'll just have two chili-dogs, without the cheese."

"I wish I could help." She said nervously. "But we just don't serve chili-dogs."

"That's okay." I said. "We'll be quite happy with the good-old, stand-by regular hot dogs."

"Sir! We don't serve hot dogs here!!! Burger King is a hamburger joint!!"

"Excellent!" I exclaimed.

Then could you please give me a:


BIG MAC ! !

YOU'RE DRUNK!!

"PULL OVER!"

The freeway cops were waving their arms and belting out oaths.

Their voices were as raw as hamburger. Their faces were beet red. They were driving more dangerously than me!! Their sirens were blaring and their lights were whirling.

I think they might have been mad at me.

I was on a huge exit that wound round and round. There were so many "exit only" signs, I was continually having to exit, only to find myself winding around again.

This was taking a very long time.

I honestly didn't know what to do.

The freeways were packed with cars and trucks, weaving in and out, cutting me off, and hogging the road. It seemed that they were always giving me obscene hand gestures and cursing me.

Everyone and everything was going so fast.

The cops kept waving their arms and flashing their lights in my eyes!!

"Pull over!" They yelled. "We're warning you!"

BUT THERE WAS NO WAY TO PULL OVER!!!!!

Finally, after nearly 10 minutes of this, I was able to pull into a Safeway's parking lot.

The veteran training cop yanked me out of our rental cat and slammed me against the door again and again. The trainee helped Fred get out. Fred and I were together, but he fell asleep, very drunk.

The trainee proceeded to rattle off numerous moving-traffic violations. The trainee was trying to impress the veteran, but the kid was about to get throttled!

He annoyed the crud out of the veteran!!!! His choice of words. His mannerisms. His nasal voice!!!

The trainer knew that the trainee wasn't doing anything wrong. It's just that the kid put on a horse-face whenever he tried to look official. It was always that way with new trainees.

"Why didn't you pull over, when we turned our lights on?" The veteran asked.

"I couldn't find a place to pull over." I said, hoping that God would help me out of this one.

"That's no excuse!"  The training officer said. "You can always pull over!!"

Then, the veteran changed the subject.

"You're DRUNK!!" The veteran yelled. "How much did you drink tonight?"

"I've never had a drink in my life," I replied honestly.

The cops mocked me while I tried in  vain to pass the field sobriety test!!

"Then you're totally WASTED on drugs!"

"I promise you that I have never tried drugs." I said.

The cops were getting madder by the minute. They felt that they were being lied to.

The trainee thoroughly searched us, our car, trunk, and glove box. Then he checked to see if we had anything against us on file.

"How much did you drink tonight?" The trainee asked Fred.

"A lot." Fred freely admitted, shamelessly. He was slurring his speech and had blurry eyes. "They were giving out free margaritas at our company's pool party." Fred continued.

I explained that we were in Phoenix for a few days for a huge convention. That we were one of the prime, nuclear-contractors for the Department of Energy.

That I was the leader of a team of highly trained and experienced individuals, each of whom have their master's degree or Ph.Ds.

"That sounds pretty impressive. If it is true. We'll know in a few minutes. If it is, we'll let you go. If you're lying, you'll end up in jail, and owe a fortune in fines."

After about 20 minutes, the trainee trooper came over. He had thoroughly checked out my story and everything about me was just as I said it was. The two cops were convinced that I was squeaky clean.

"Well, Mr. Anderton," The veteran training cop said. "I'm sorry that you've had such a frustrating experience here in Phoenix. We apologize for keeping you so long."

Then the veteran looked over at Fred and laughed.


"But YOU get behind the wheel, Fred."


"YOU'RE SAFER DRUNK,

 THAN HE IS SOBER!!!

WHO FARTED?

"Let's pull a prank!!" I said to my buddies.

My family had just moved to a small town, the day before I began the fourth grade. It didn't take me long to form a little gang. Immediately, we got into some fun, yet risky adventures.

We decided to pull our first prank at City Hall. It housed the police and fire stations, city offices, the library, and a large multi-purpose room in the basement. 

That night was the annual Harvest Dinner in the multi-purpose room. The coolest part of the prank was that it was in the same building as the police!! 

Our plan was to toss a smoke bomb and a stink bomb into the dinner.

We executed the activity as follows:

First, Calvin would tie the door closed so nobody could get through it, unless someone forced it or broke it down.

Second, Tom and I would position ourselves at the window that looked down into the dinner.
 

Third, we would wait until everyone was well into their meal.

Fourth, Tom and I would each toss a bomb into the dinner.
 

"You ready Tom?" I whispered.

"Sure am, George!" Tom responded. I hoped Tom could handle it. He was really clumsy!

"On three!" I announced with authority.
 

"ONE---TWO---THREE-------TOSS!!!'" I commanded Tom, quietly.
 

I tossed my smoke bomb, then Tom tossed his stink bomb.

When the people saw them, they were alarmed. They were too confused to even think of the fire extinguisher.
 

In seconds, the bombs really started smoking the room up!!

 

An old geezer screeched, "Martha, get me my respirator!"

  

"Get me out of here!!" Some people bawled.

 

"I can't stand it!" Others whined.

"Who farted?" Some wise-guy smirked, trying to inject some humor.

 

One obese, old lady started heaving, and I worried that we would end up in trouble.

The most aggressive and selfish person made sure he would be the first one out the door. He tried, but he couldn't get the door opened. He yanked, but the door yanked back.

"I wonder if someone did this on purpose?" Some complete moron asked.

 

"I think someone burned some food in the kitchen!" Some idiot guessed.

"No, it's some kids pulling their pranks tonight." Officer Rod Mitchell explained.

"My partner and I will arrest them." Craig Barnes, his partner said. The rookie annoyed the CRUD out of Rod.

 

"Everybody, get back from the door!!" Rod, the cop commanded loudly.

 

"I'm kicking it open!" He yelled again.

 

Then Rod, the street cop, forced the door, so everyone could get through.

 

The people trampled each other to get out of the room.

 

Finally, the people could see and breathe normally. Some throats and eyes were irritated a little.

 

Immediately sirens blared, and 3 cop cars speedily went off in 3 different directions.

 

"The cops are coming!" Yelled Cal. I was furious that he was doing my job. I'll pound him!

 

"Run for it!" I screamed to my gang, regaining my authority and control.

  

"This is the best cat-and-mouse chase ever!" I thought to myself, excitedly.

 

We ran down streets, yards, and alley ways. We crawled under cars and fences. We climbed trees, walls, and into the windows of buildings. We hid below or behind anything that would give us cover.

There were so many dogs that revealed our movements! Cal actually got bit and went home early.

 

The cops always seemed to know where we were headed. Each of us was almost caught!!

 

But that's what made this so fun!!! The risk.

 

The cops must have finally given up the chase, because after two hours the sirens quit blaring. I went home and went to bed, dog tired.

I couldn't stop laughing. The best part of the entire drama, was when the guy said:

"WHO FARTED??

THE BOSS FROM (you know where)

"You'd better raise $10,000 by Friday, or you're fired!"

My boss said. He was meaner than Beelzebub himself.

Frederick Madison was the president of an organization that trained youth to be leaders.

He hired me to be a Youth Development Councilor. "Awesome!" I thought.

But actually, I was a fundraiser. "Yuk!"

"Frederick rules like Attila the Hun." Mike, my trainer said. "Everybody hates him."
 
There were twenty five volunteers that actually ran the programs. They were the ones who worked with the youth. They freely gave their time because they loved the youth, the activities, and the cause.

There were four of us who were known as the "professionals." We received salaries and benefits for our employment. The volunteers hated us!

"We don't need you paid "professionals!" They proclaimed. "We can run a successful youth-development program without you. More successful."

THEN CAME THE DELEMA:

It was my job to collect donations from the volunteers to pay our salaries.

The volunteers did not want to pay for Frederick Madison's huge salary and his luxuries.

They also had a hostile attitude towards the rest of us, because we represented Madison, and because we too drew salaries. I was called names, threatened, and thrown out of meetings.

"I'm stuck between my boss and the volunteers!" I bawled to Mom as we talked on the phone. "I need a new job. This one is a lose-lose." 

 

"Honey, you've got to watch your blood pressure!" Amy said. Actually, she was more concerned than I was.

 

One day, we had a staff meeting. We went to Frederick's Country Club for lunch.
 

Frederick ordered a very-expensive sandwich. It had avocados, alfalfa spouts, and other delicious items.

 

When the waiter brought the sandwich, my boss became furious and he SCREECHED:

 

 

"What do you think I am? A blankety-blank COW!!!?"

 

"Get that blankety-blank GRASS off my sandwich!!!!" 
 

I'm pretty sure the waiter hated Attila as much as the rest of us did!

THE LUCKY DUDE

"Cynthia Johnson will NEVER make out with you!!"Carl teased.

"Guys, we just haven't met yet." I said. "She's in junior high I'm a 6th grader. There aren't many opportunities to mix and mingle."

Cynthia was the coolest girl in Bull Moose Junior High. She was so beautiful!

Many of the girls hated her. She was so vain. And so rude.

"Are you guys drooling?" I taunted. But we all lusted greedily over her sweet, voluptuous lips.

And I constantly tried to think of a way for Cynthia and I to get together, alone. Not only to get some action with her, but to prove to my gang that I could do it.

Then, an idea popped into my brain. I'd recruit my sister, Peggy, to think up an idea. She was so resourceful and very fast.

"Yippee!" I yelled when she had the idea. "I knew you could do it. Tell me about it."

Peggy got us each a drink of lemonade then summoned me to the kitchen table.

"The plan is simple, George." She said. "I'll have a dance in our back yard, Saturday night."

"And, I'll make sure Cynthia is there."  She winked. Peggy loved playing match maker!

"Awesome, Peggy!" I said. "Thanks a million!"

Later that day, I told all my buddies to meet me at the park for some exciting news.

"Cynthia is coming to my house for a party, Saturday night!" I bragged to my friends.

I then laid out my strategies, step-by-step. My gang was so envious!

"Promise to tell us all about it, Sunday morning!" Bob said. "Don't leave any of the juice out!!"

"Yeah!!" Norman said, but he didn't really get it.

Well, Saturday night came, and Peggy's party turned out better than I had hoped!

As promised, the next morning, I assembled my buddies and gave them my report.

"The dance was SO awesome!" I bragged to my friends. "Cynthia was dressed to the nines."

Then, I proceed to give them a play-by-play narrative.

"When the last dance came, she TOTALLY got into it." I said.

"As the music went on, we held each other tighter and tighter!"  I breathed heavily for effect.

"Honestly, we could hear each other's hearts POUNDING!" I lied to make my friends jealous.

"It was SO romantic." I blurted out!!

"THEN, I KISSED HER!"  I yelled exultantly.
 
"And Cynthia kissed me back, hungrily!" I bragged. 

"Then, we went off by ourselves and started MAKING OUT!!!"  I totally stretched it.

"WE MADE OUT FOR MORE THAN AN HOUR." I really lied this time.

My pals were hanging on every word. Chuck was panting, about to hyperventilate.

When I got to school Monday morning, I expected to see Cynthia bragging to everyone about the wonderful time she'd had with me. Especially the kissing part.

But instead, she burned me! Cynthia was telling everyone that my kisses were gross.

"He slobbered all over me!" She whined. "It was just terrible!"

I was really hurt because I thought she loved me and our wonderful kiss.

And now, she was mocking me!

I DECIDED TO DESTROY HER!

"She has no clue who she's dealing with!" I thought angrily to myself.

I had to stop her quickly or else no girl would ever want to kiss me.

One of us would go down----either Cynthia or me. And I knew I would win!

But I'd need to resort to more gosh-awful fibbing. But occasionally, it has its uses.

"SHE'S MAKING IT ALL UP!"  I loudly told everyone.

"The truth is that we made out for over an hour!" I lied. "She kept telling me she loved it. She wouldn't keep her hands off me! When it was time to go home, she wouldn't stop!"

"Cynthia just told you that my kisses were terrible." I said. "It doesn't sound like it, does it?"

"Now I do admit that when it got really cold that night, my nose started to run a little." I said truthfully. "My upper lip was getting a little wet."

"But apparently she didn't care because she initiated dozens of kisses." I said.
"DON'T LISTEN TO HIM!" She bawled. "George is lying, don't you see??!!!!!"

"Yes, we do see." Samantha said. "You tried to make us think that George was the liar!"

"Cynthia, you are a filthy, lying ______!" A girl named Judy yelled.

"Well, there you have it." I said.

"So I gave Cynthia got just what she deserved. I said.

"I SLIMED HER!!!"  I roared triumphantly!

Simultaneously, everybody broke into applause! I was their hero!!!

The next day, I heard many of the girls saying things like:

"I wish George and I were boyfriend-girlfriend." or "I wish we were kissing-buddies!!"

Well, dear readers, I lost Cynthia, but I gained a whole bunch of wanna bees.

My gang was so proud to have me as their leader. They kept saying:


"GEORGE IS SUCH A LUCKY DUDE!!!"